Fade the lights.

Open the curtain.

Raise the Overture.

Roll The Title.

Fade In - Sunglint on the surface of the Monolith.

Zoom out - The Monolith standing stark against a golden dawn.

Zoom in - on stream of yellow liquid splashing on the Monolith.

Will somebody please tell Toto to stop relieving himself on the Monolith...

"A peaceful band or tribe of prehistoric ape-men (Australopithecines) appear, squat and hairy, eating grass. Although herds of tapirs graze closeby, the ape-men are vegetarians who forage for grass and roots."

Then an Australape finds this bone thing. He throws it up into space. It orbits twice - and returns to Oz in flames. The first BARBIE !!!

Daaa- daa - ta - daaaa! TA Daaa - Da ta daa!!

Film Critics Please Note: No effort has been spared...well, hardly any effort...well, okay a couple of efforts were spared...hmmm, actually several efforts were spared...oh, alright, a lot of effort was spared...bringing the proper intended symbolism to the making of this film.
You will note that "MIR" was properly emblazoned on the side of the bone thing. Yes, the very same Russian MIR, soon to be responsible for "sky-rocketing" sales in hard hats from Perth to Sydney.
And, although the Russians will not admit whether they were or were not in contact with MIR during the making of this film, the makers of this film have it on good authority, from a not so famous alien psychic channeler, who wears an aluminium foil hat for improved reception, in Jersey City, New Jersey, that he did have a sudden craving for curry during the making of this film.

*looking down at new script*
They want me to wear WHAT???!!!!!!

HAL: (hairy Australorpe lady..snicker)Do I get a walk on part this time round or am I just a thing on the wall again???? C'mon surely the guys in the design department can put a little cossie together for me...huh..huh??

Open the pod bay doors Hal...
Open the pod bay doors Hal...
OPEN THE POD BAY DOORS HAL...
OPEN THE @*#!!$:{*# POD BAY DOORS HAL...
Oh, sorry, I thought it was time for my lines. Oh, we're not to that part yet? I'm sorry...

***CLANK CLUNK TINNNNNNNNNNNNG***
*Stumbles into the monolith*
*watches in horror as monolith leans over and falls to the ground*

Dave?...Dave's not here.
Dave?...Dave's not here, man.
DAVE?...No man,Dave's not here man...
DAVE?...I tol yous, Dave's not here man!

Oh, sorry, I thought it was time for my lines. Oh, we're not to that part yet? I'm sorry...

No man, this is Dave, I got the stuff...

Barbie arcs in slow-mo towards the ground spinning new definitions of BONE
Cue the Sun

ahhhhhhhh finally the Dreamtime of the Great Aussie Barbie is revealed! Always the seerer, Acc. *grin*

*pours a Fosters for the crew* .. ya deserve it!!

Fosters? *Grabs a Guiness instead*

Ya silly Spacefeline person .. *shakes head*. The Fosters is for the production crew!!

Grabs a cider and gets back into the tight space outfit*

Nice fit Dottie

*Walks around on moon, kicks rocks*
What's happening in here people? The audience awaits the next installment...

*admits to having to read the script* *L*

nahh .. we just play to people with names guest *L* sorry .. but that's the way it is ..

looks at HAL whilst holding up the latest model cybernetic humanoids* ok so which one takes ya fancy??? The Hurley model is very popular but you dont have much wardrobe choice *g* Personally Id go with the Russo model myself..a little older but much more options available *g*

HalLeda: hmmm! Is there a Sigourney or would that be toooo cliche???
*drags in dead horse and hands out whips*

Uhhhhhm, Sigourney? I think she's getting a little long in the tooth, don't you? Maybe we could get Catherine Zeta Jones *WEG*

HalLeda: Well I figure at least she has been tried and found up to the task..should we encounter any poly-mandibular alien creatures with really bad post-natal depression...however I will consider the Zeta Jones option. (methinks you are focussing too much on opticals and not so much on practicals *L*)...this isn't Hollywood ya know!!! This is Aus..and we dont have to be gorgeous to get ahead...just ask Lacie and Sorcha..*ducks*.....try plugging in ya hair dryer in the middle of the Great Sandy mate!..There's none of this mamby pamby where's my trailer, who chose this caterer rot here buddy..its bully beef and billy tea for brekkie lunch and dinner and a swag under a tree(if you're lucky) at night..and you better watch out for the bunyips ..they can be mean at this time of year......*S*

*wonders if cyberhal needs to handly a gun or a man?? Hmmmmmm. *g*

*Whilst sitting on a rock in the middle of the desert Dorothy sees a faint haze, a blurring of the heat laden air. Is the heat getting to her??
As she gets up to go and get a drink, the blurring seems to shift and move towards her. Thoroughly convinced she is suffering from heatstress she moves quickly to the shade but as she does the air changes around her and she finds that she is surrounded by the nebulous air....*

Oh dear it looks like its happening again

*she looks frantically around for lacie, or Hal or spacelion or anyone...could it be the monolith? But all thoughts drift as consciousness fades*

HalLeda: Hang on Dot. If I wasn't sooo ticked off with Dave I'd call him for you.. ..one itsy bitsy teenie tiny mistake ...open your own GD pod bay door Dave....

*is totally confused* .. so, I guess things are normal, then.

Is that why you wouldn't open the pod bay doors Hal?
And all these years I thought it was my breath...

*Dorothy emerges from the timewarp continuum (always wanted to use that)after spending some time in the near future....*

Hold onto those Ozzie dollars guys *G*
So, how do you like my 2001 look *does a slow twirl...* Is short hair me??? I know Im glad to get rid of the plaits *g*

HalLeda: *having entered the required id. info into onboard computer...that's ME!..Dot boards the HUGE white space ship roughly the size of Tasmania...MANIA being the operative syllable*....ohh...orright Dave..*buries the hatchet*...but if you even consider turning me off again thats IT..*S* *opens pod bay door* C'mon in there's a cute new chick in here..check out the haircut..BAAYYYBEEEE! Dorothy is NOT in Kansas any more!.....Okay where do youse wanna go..*revs up engine to warp speed..(bit of sci-fi legend interface there)* ALL ABOARD!!! Coming Tinman? Lace? Cowardlylion? Jumm? *rev rev*

count me in !! ... *notes that Tasmania is about THREE times the size of Texas!*

does the Picard thaaaaaaaaaaaang *Number One .. make it so * .... ahhh shite! .. that's a different movie.

HalLeda: that's fine Lace..all part of the cosmic interface...Welcome aboard...*if I could S I would but as yet have not chosen humanoid life form to assume so you must bear with me*

Lacie, just wanted to point out that ahhh shite would be Number Two, not Number One
.
.
.
.
.
he he he...
Wow, Dot, your hair looks fabulous...
Thanks HalLeda

chuckles*


Thanks Dave *big smile*
*waits for the rest of the crew*

*starts preparing a birthday cake for Jumm*

Wait for meeeeeeee,I'm Oxyuranus Microlepidotus, call me Oxy for short....I wanna go to sssssspace too!.....gang planks are too ssssslippery for sssslithering ssssnakes!!!!

....BTW I passed a stumble-bum name of Jumm back in the Eastern Simpson Desert clicking the heels of his red pumps together......muttering something under his breath about "damn puters!", and "some mates.... they all run off without me"....ooooops, sorry HalLeda.....You're a NICE computer......a purty computer, such a long, swan like cable, er, neck you have.....

LMAO@ Dave..speaking of number twos ..............I was impressed like everyone when man began to fly..out of earthly regions to planets in the sky..with total media coverage we watched our heroes land..as ceremoniously they disturbed the cosmic sands..with awe with admiration we listened to the talk ..such pride felt they such joy to be upon the moon to walk..my romantic vision shattered when it was explained to me...spacemen wear old diapers in which they..sh*t and pee....oh the intergalactic laxative will get you from here to there for cosmic constipation there's none that can compare...if sh****ng is your problem when you're out there in the stars ..the intergalactic laxative will get you from here to mars...*with thanks and love to Donovon*

HalLeda..*rev RRRReevvv* it pleases me that some have chosen to take this trip with us.....hurry now time is continuing to run its course in this dimension...welcome Oxy *extends cable er neck to show it at its best* purr ,Lace,Dotcom(love the handle)are you with us Dave?...I'll try real hard not to make any mistakes this time..promise.....*rev..rev*..Count down commencing in 5..4..3..*realises she's rambling and shuts up* *G* er btw where we going chaps??

Zoom out. View of the space ship firing up.

Cue the "Blue Danube Polka"...

Critics Note: We're not sure why Stanley O'Kubrick used the "Blue Danube Polka" at this point for theme music, other then it might have reminded him of an acute case of dysentary he availed himself of while filming in Germany. Also make note that HalLeda is flashing...Blue Danube River Water...Intergalatic Laxative To The Star's....on her..ahem...rather copious computer screens. Hey, we needed the affilate advertizing bucks to pay for Dot's new hairdo.

Scene. The spaceship travels to the moon to investigate a new sighting of the Monolith.

Will someone PPPPLLLLease tell Toto to stop relieving himself on the Monolith.

never was much at math *sigh*

Major Tom to ground control...

...Hey, catch me as you go by please. I've been stuck out here since David Bowie wrote that song all those years ago...

*wanders around off set*
I wonder if I can get a cast list *looks completely puzzled*

*packs a packet of anti-venom in case Oxy gets a little spaced out *S*

I think any and every space character without a movie will be here sooner or later

*smiles at the producer* hey after all these years I deserve a new hairdo ...*glances in the mirror to check that hair is still in place*

*wanders over to the plasglass window and peers out into the blackness of space...* Hey can we pop into the space station? I'd lovvvvve to check it out. I hear they a great restaurant there. The monolith has been there for millions of years. Surely it can wait just a little longer?*s*

*wonders to herself how Toto could pee on the moon ..they must have developed a special space suit for him *g*

HalLeda: Setting course for the moon via the big white space station..Is that the restaurant at the end of the universe to which you refer Dotcom?
I advise all on board to insert their babel fish and hold on tightly to your towels this could get interesting. *hands out djynantonyx to all aboard* *chucks a u-ey to pick up Majortom* Welcome aboard Major. OOOooo does he outrank you Dave??*S*

I think so..

*Dotcom waves to Dave*
G'day mate how's it going?

*grins at HalLeda* chucks a U-ey...now there's a good aussie slang term ...

Zoom out: Spaceship does a fast 180 and beams Major Tom aboard.

Voiceover: Mindless chitchat about the privileges of rank.

Zoom in: Serious warpage occurs in an already warped warp drive.

Zoom out: Spaceship changes course for the spacestation for repairs.

Critics Note: No expense was spared...well, almost no expense was spared...aahh...some expense was...oh, okay...so the spacestation does look like an inverted pie pan on a string. If Ed White can do it... so can we! And I didn't have to wear a dress during the making of the film, so there.

*Ring*

Hello....Dave?....Dave's not here...no man, I tol yous Dave's not here man...no man, he's on the spacestation getting some really good stuff, man...

*Click*

Hmmmm...that gives me an idea...Ms. Beammeup, call the script department...I have a really good idea for our next film...yeah, it will be a blockbuster...I'll call it "Dave or Daverella: Travails of a Transvestite Astronuat"....Golden Glob Awards, here we come...

We now rejoin our film already in progress.

Uhhhhm, transvestite? You've obviously never seen me in a dress *LMAO*
*Waves at Dotcom*
*S*

Now Major Tom looks execellent in a dress. He's a real looker he is *LOL*
Space Oddity and all that, what?

Oh, by the way, the stuff I scored on the space station really spaced me out for a long time and it is not recommended for amateurs *L*
Wow man, like far out...

*ROOOOOOOAR*
Jaysus Dave, you're not just a sh**ing. I'm still groggy from that stuff. I thought you said it was good stuff.

*zoom out......view of spinning satelitte emerging from shuttle payload bay.

*zoom in.......a series of blinking lights are seen to display an important message.
Cue the anthem....

HAPPY AUSTRALIA DAY

*Looks at blinking sign*
Oh croiky, am I having a flashback?

*zzzzzzzz...zzzzzit*Ok, HalLeda, unplug my tail from the sssssocket,*sparks* and let me back onboard, I'm all blinked out*!

*This Snake'll never volunteer for the "ssssssssign-maker's* job again, that's for ssssssssure!

HalLeda: If I had my body organised I'd *ROTFLMAO*
Okay *unplugs Oxy's tail* Good job Oxy..that got the message across.

mmmm Ive been thinking Dave, are you sure you dont look good in 3 inch heels...

Davida, Queen of the asteroid belt...I can see you standing strapped to the spaceship with highly reflective material swirling behind you...

...or maybe its already been done? *s*

*grabs lacie and HalLeda (in pocket organiser) and goes shopping at the space station...*

C'mon girls there's gotta be a body around here somewhere to suit HalLeda *s*

*Hides make up mirror and lipstick*

*pout* .. why is SHE the only on to get a new body??? *checks the mirror* .. my needs is greater than hers!!

HalLeda: Dont bet on it Lace..*S*
I want a beeutiful body..gotta get one in at least one incarnation....pert, firm and lushus..LushusLeda!!!
*Thinks* the only one to fit would be Sally Field...or maybe Danny DeVito..(urgh!)(Where are all the short spunks....maybe I'm the only one??*L*)Dudley....er no..Kylie???? (blah) *sigh* We shorties are under-represented in popular culture..
BTW *lmao at Dotcom*...Davida of the Desert...*cracks up*

Aussie Aussie Aussie...
(Ozzie Ozzie Ozzie...)

Oi Oi Oi

Now, Dave ..... ya weren't being sarcastic, we're ya? Us Aussie's (Ozzie's for the uninitiated) a very, very good practitioners of the 'lowest form of wit' as me ol'dad use to call it.

Dave, me ol' sweetie ... *s* be funny.

Nope, I wasn't being sarcastic *S*

Okay, now places everybody. You're standing around the monolith on the moon and the sun is about to hit it for the first time since it was buried...Dot is our heroine, I want a tight closeup on her face as the high pitched wail eminates from the monolith. Dot, you're screaming your lungs out, of course you needn't really scream because we can't hear anything in a vacuum. Oh yeah, props, where is that vacuum? Is it a Hoover or what?
...annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd ACTION!!!!!

Jumm,(grumbling to himself about his mates leavin' him behind for a lark in space) hears a high pitched wail, and looks up suddenly to the sky, while standing in a crop circle in East Oz.....

Dot?

Who's the stand in?
We can get the close up later...

Oh yeah, and somebody get Jumm up here, he seems to be lost in a wheat field. Get Mr. Scott to beam him up *L*...

...alright, somebody get me a cappucino and a straw...

wanders over to the transporter machine and beams up Mr. Jumm.*

loved ya crop circle *g*

looks confused at producer*
If I cant hear anything in space, why am I screaming??
not that I mind a good scream of course *L*

You can hear inside your space helmet, did I mention that you have a space helmet on? The audience is outside your space helmet looking in and can't hear you, you however, can hear yourself. Now unless there are any further questions, can we get this shot? Where's Jumm? Where's Toto? Where's Lacie? WHERE'S MY CAPPUCINO?!!!!!!!

*L*

As he materializes on the transporter's pedastal, Jumm shouts, "Hurry, look out the Starboard port! There's another crop circle!!!"

*looks in mirror to see if suddenly she had turned blonde*

what? wear a helmut on the moon? Now why didnt I think of that.*g*
If you cant hear in a vacuum what am I hearing in the helmet???

Thanks space jum its always nice to get a valentines message.

mmmmmmmmm maybe Im hearing the producer scream for his cappo *g*
I'll go with that anyway...

*The monolith screams out it's warning to the sentinels watching and waiting for the humans to emerge*

Okay, fade to black, then fade in the spacecraft Recovery hurtling towards the far away ringed planet...

*Eyes director suspiciously*

What we need here is a guest appearance by a celebrity "Guest", from Guestland We got all kinds of "Guests" to choose from.....We got yer Musical guests, yer ghostly guests, yer political guests, yer colorful guests, and on and on anonymously:).......also, a crash in the Oz bush with a contest to see who's last to "Survive" would spice things up a bit.....(hmmm, now where have we heard that before....?)

Hi Seamus...

Not me, Dave.
And I thought I had a copyright(©) on the use of fonts and colors in Tir. *L*

*tries to put space helmet on a salty*

*SNAPP!!!!!!SNAP!!!SNAP!!!SNAP!!!!!!!!!*
Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh...
Alright, get that crock guy out here, I'm not doing this, I'm an actor d*mnit, not an animal trainer...

HalLeda: *emerges in new Raquel Welsh body* Decided to go with a classic....that's the body she had then and not the body she may have now..although that is probably still stunning....grabs Julie Andrews voice (she's not using it anymore!!!) (sick joke,I know)..Cher's hair...Brooke Sheilds eyebrows....Cyd Charise's legs..(she's definitely not using them anymore)..Joan of Arcs tenacity..mother Therese's goodness...Groucho Marx' sense of humour...Winston Churchills's oratory skills...Ghengis Khan's aggression...and Martin Luther King's courage....
*Composite HalLeda waits for cue*

All you're missing is Harpo Marx's horn....here you go, HalLeda.

HalLeda: Well I druther have his harp playing ability but ..here goes..*sound of honking echoes around the long white hallways of the space station* That'll get the sound man ripping off his cans!!!!

*Climbs down into the hallway of the space station, light's the burner, puts oil boiling in a huge pot, drops in pieces of croc's tail seasoned and lightly dusted with flour, inhales smoke, passes out, falls in boiling oil*
YOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE...!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*Waits for the Aussie medics to pull me out and save my crispy arse*

Forget the survivor routine, get out of that boiling oil at once...

Imagine trying to mix Oz and 2001
he he he
*Sweeps the cobwebs off the board*
Lets see if we can get back to it

These long space flights are boring. Are we there yet?

*Sits in space helmet tree and smells bad, making a mess on the floor below*

Tee hee hee

HalLeda:......sigh....*waits for direction*...*whispers to rest of cast*..feel like I'm in a Luigi Pirandello play! *L*

HalLeda:......sigh....*waits for direction*...*whispers to rest of cast*..feel like I'm in a Luigi Pirandello play! *L*

thsk thsk thsk

better yet, HalLeda, a Samuel Beckett play!

Vladimir: And where were we yesterday according to you?

Estragon: How would I know? In another compartment. There's no lack of void.

Are we there yet?

Wake me up when we get there
*Goes into suspended animation*

where are we going Dave?

Uhmmmm, either Saturn or Jupiter. Ask Hal *LOL*

My husband, Jean Paul, says this is getting very existential in here, but he thinks (as sure as we may really *know* anything) we may be headed for Ibizza!

Gosh! You're -like- married to the Pope ???
And now he's going to Ibizza?

And getting back to the way the topic is going:
http://www.salon.com/21st/feature/1997/10/02godot.html

Gets out sun tan lotion...

*Brushing up* on my German for landfall in Ibiza, during the holiday season....and thanks to the Avatar from Cobh for the cool link!

Dorothy,

Hate Oz, took the shoes, went back to Kansas, You're on your own.

Toto

Sheesh, what's Dorothy gonna do without her shoes?

go barefoot I guess and stay in Oz.
Not too much of a hard call *s* and there are always alternative travel arrangements.

*hopes Toto enjoys Kansas*

Toto, you mangy mutt...
I prefer traveling on this space ship, even if Hal is a little neurotic. Who needs shoes?

HalLeda:..Wha??????? Last I heard we were heading for the ringed planet. Gawd ya pop out to get a bit of treatment [for my neuroses(noteplural!)]and the mission grinds to a halt...even the dog has buggerd off!

HalLeda, I've saved you a spot here on the beach at Ibiza....Have a nice lie down, and tan your hardware componenets....best cure for "Multiple Neuroses"!

Hello, I've been sent from the actors guild to take Toto's place. Sure, I used to be Michael Jackson's brother, but hey, what can I tell you? We all make bad career choices from time to time...

Soooooooo...


...How do you like my hair?

*stretches out her components in the sun*.....ahhhh that's nice....so where is Ibiza anyway????.....Hi Tito..*gives Tito a scratch behind the ear*.....*throws piece of remnant bone for Tito to fetch then grabs grooming brush to fix the hair job*....So how's the bro Tito?? I see he is making a come back in the new Planet of the Apes movie.....*snicker*..*looks at director*.....SSSSooooo?????? What now boss???

Everybody take your clothes off, this is the nude beach scene at Ibiza


*WEG*

Uhmm, not you Tito!!

dream on !!

Kill joy...

.....oh okay...*hurriedly puts clothes back on*...*blushes*.....okay call me broadminded!!!!!*L*

Hey Leda, er, nice uhmmmmmm...
mind!!

Is there a script somewhere? Who's in charge?

Well actually......YOU are Dir.!...*thinks* We're in big trouble now...

Okay, now here's the deal. We need Dotcom, Tito (having trouble getting used to that one),
Hal(leda), Dave and the writer *L* and I'm recruiting Lacie for that one...

*SEG*

*grabs folding chair and sits waiting patiently*

Okay Dot... You're beamed aboard the Interplanetary Ship, Discovery, you go to all the hibenaculums and realize that the witch has sprinkled some sort of poppy dust on the crew. You must somehow revive them. Lacie, please finish this up please, since you've been nominated the new script writer...

Haleda: *staggers in from most recent and ineffective stint in rehab*....(Well one of us has to be the Judy Garland of the bunch....)*smirks blearily*
C'mon Dir gimme one last chance....I can do it this time....I'm a star....you know I am!..*humms drunkenly*

Taps foot nervously* Uhhm, anybody seen the new script writer?

Halleda: Yyyyeeearh...c'mon Lacie baby.......cough up!..or are you too busy working for that Kelly bloke..(the Mc Donalds of T.V.)?
Maybe we need to go for the so -called reality TV *chokes* market? What does Dotty eat for brekkie? Why did Halleda go to rehab? ....or maybe the science angle?....Can we grow a Tinman's heart in a test tube...stem cell research at it's best????
*waffles on ad nauseum*.....*S*

Waffles?? someone said 'waffles'? *looks about for the cream and Golden Syrup.

*checks recent posts* .. NO WAY!! no knew script from this Black Duck. No one EVER sticks to the script ..... *wipes away all the blood sweat and tears from months of script writing*

Okay, waffles...lets go with that.
Dot, you come into the gravity drum of the space ship where all the other space people are out cold. The smell of your waffles is so good, they all wake up and want to eat. Of course Hal(leda) is not happy about this. The renegade computer wants to handle everything. (I think the rehab was about a lot of control issues!) Okay Dot, ad lib the rest.
Quiet on the set...

ANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNND ACTION!!!!!!!

ad lib? ad lib? You want to add me into this? Are you nuts?

lol@Libby ...

waffles and nuts?? interesting combination.

Well, Dot scans a waffle and serves the byte to HalLeda. It wouldnt be politic to put HalLeda off-side at this stage of the venture.