When things get you down and you`re feeling on edge, sit down relax and have a laugh

Tip of the day: Never sneeze while wearing a scuba mask....=)

LOL@ls...never thought of that before...

If Men Really Ruled the World.......
Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your
call
to her real number.

Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response
to
"I love you."

When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during a game of
football, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen
during a
commercial.

Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the AFL team of

your choice.

The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

"Sorry I'm late, but I got a little drunk last night" would be an
acceptable excuse for tardiness.

At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your
window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car

like Fred Flintstone.

It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned
helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.

Tanks would be far easier to rent.

Garbage would take itself out.

Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."

Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your
wife-to-be
with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"

Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur
in
leap years. St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same
but
it would be celebrated every month.

Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the
pursuing
cops.....Or to the crooks.

The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the
losers.

The only show opposite Friday Night Football would be Friday Night
Football
>From A Different Camera Angle.

It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you
returned
it the following day with a full tank of gas.

Every man would get four real "Get Out of Jail Free" cards per year.

When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-arse answer you responded with

would actually reduce your fine.
For example:
Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"
You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."
Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off. This is also a one way street you know."

You: "But I was only going one way"
Cop: "He he, That's $20 off"

LMAO@Guest!!! Love the one about the girlfriend in the corner of the TV screen!! *Has to work for guys, too, though...;)*

someone needs to do an 'if women ruled the world'...

Eileen: Do you have any momentos in your locket, Colleen?

Colleen: A lock of my husband's hair.

Eileen: But he is still alive.

Colleen: Yes, but his hair is all gone.

A bit of Irish Wit!

Here's one for all the Texans of Tir or those that just adore us Texans:

John Madden was in Denver to announce a football game one weekend when he noticed a special phone near the Broncos' bench. He asked Coach Shanahan what it was for and was told it was a hotline to God. John asked the coach if he could use it, and the coach said: "Sure, but it will cost you $100."

Madden scratched his head, then said: "What the heck, I need some help picking some games." He pulled out his wallet and paid the $100.

Madden was perfect that week.

The next weekend, Madden was in Green Bay when he noticed the same kind of phone near the Green Bay bench. He asked Coach Holmgren what the phone was for, and Mike said: "It's a hotline to God, and if you want to use it, it will cost you $100." Recalling the previous week, Madden pulled out his wallet and gladly paid the $100.

Once again, Madden was perfect.

The next weekend, Madden was in Dallas at Texas Stadium when he noticed the same phone near the Cowboys' bench. He asked Coach Galley if it was a hotline to God. Chan said, Yes it is. Do you want to use it? It'll cost you 35 cents."

Madden looked at Coach Galley and said, "Wait a minute! I just paid $100 in Denver and $100 in Green Bay to use the same phone! Why in Dallas do they only charge 35 cents?"

Chan looked at Madden and replied very matter of factly, "In Texas, it's a local call."

THERE ARE THREE KINDS OF MEN WHO FAIL TO UNDERSTAND WOMEN: young men, old men, and middle-aged men.

I had more but it would not post for me and I lost it all. May try another time. *sigh*

A nun was walking through the convent grounds , a priest came up to her and said. to her.." putting on a little weight sister" ... " just gas father " said the nun
Three months later they met again.. " still putting on weight sisier " said the priest

" just gas father".. said the nun... Nine months later the priest met the nun again .. this time she was pushing a baby carrage. the priest looked at the baby and said." cute little fart isnt he"

What's the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts?................beer nuts are 2.69 and deer nuts are under a buck!

I love this one:

Two members of a small monastery decided to open a florist shop to help raise money for their good works. The idea of buying beautiful flowers from gentle friars appealed to alot of people in the town, and soon they were flocking to the shop.

Meanwhile, the florist across town saw his business virtually disappear when all his customers began buying flowers from the monks. He thought the monks had an unfair advantage, and he visited them and asked them to return to the monastery and leave business to the businessmen. They politely declined.

So he visited the monastery and asked the Abbot to persuade the monks to abandon the business. He declined as well.

Next the florist sent his mother, his parish priest and his children to visit the monks, asking them to cease their business so the original florist could make a living. It didn't work.

Finally, in desperation, the florist hired the town thug, Hughson McNasty, to use personal persuasion. Hugh McNasty showed up one night with a cudgel, shattered the windows of the monks' shop, tossed their flowers out into the street, and gave the monks black eyes, promising to be back unless they closed the business.

Terrified, the monks closed their store and returned to the monastery.

Proving, of course...


Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

*ROFLMAO*

*rolls eyes* .. wants some of what 'soul is on!! ROTFLMAO

*L*...it's called "Lack of Sleep", lace!

*tucks 'soul in* .. sweet dreams, Lady ..

Here's one....

The minister says to his congregation, "Next week I shall be doing a sermon on the sins of lying. I want you all to read Matthew 17 before then." The next Sunday he asks the congregation to raise their hands if they'd read the appropriate chapter. The entire congregation raised their hands. With a wry smile the minister said, "There is no Matthew 17; there are only 16 chapters in Matthew. I will now proceed with the sins of lying."

*giggle*

Two little old ladies who'd been bingo acquaintances for years were sitting in the bingo parlor one day. One woman looks up to find her friend staring at her. "What?", she asked? Her friend looked at her and said, "Please forgive me, I know we've known each other for years, but....what is your name again?" The first woman stares back at her for a few minutes, and replies, "How soon do you need to know?"

*ba dum bump*

Two more little old ladies (not the two above, but maybe their cousins! *L*) were driving down the street one day. The driver could barely see over the steering wheel.

The passenger notices, with fright, that they'd just barreled through a stop sign, but she chose not to mention it. She then notices, in horror, that they've run a red light. This time she says, "Didn't you see that red light you just ran?"

The driver looks over and says, "Me? I thought YOU were driving!"

*sprinkles a HUGE truckload of giggle dust all over Tir, in the hopes that it lightens everyone up some........Y2K stress anyone?*

*twirls away to play the "good fairy" elsewhere....*

TTFN!!!!!!!!!

*promptly stops twirling and begins bouncing out of Tir in a fair-to-middlin Tigger immitation*.....

*wanders in giggling*

Bubba and Earl were driving down the road drinking a couple of beers. The passenger, Bubba, said, "lookey thar up ahead, Earl...it's a po-lice roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!"
"Don't worry," Earl said, "we'll just pull over, finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the labels and stick 'em on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat."
"What fer?" asked Bubba.
"Just let me do the talkin', OK?" said Earl.
Well, they fininshed the beers, threw the empties under the seats, and each put a label on their forehead.
When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?"
"No sir!" Earl said. "We're on the patch!"

*wanders back out trailing her (rescued from the box) scarlet boa behind her..........*

I took my dog for a walk one day in the park when I saw a group of dogs together barking and making a lot of noise...so I took my dog and sat on the bench to read. Suddenly my dog ran over and started to bark along with them. Well I FINALLY got her away and went home. When we were home she started to lick my bible.
The next day I went to the park alone. The same dogs were there doing the same thing. I asked a man if he knew anything about it. He said, "It will take awhile but i might be able to decode what they are saying." So we both went home. 3 days later he came to my home and said.."I know why those dogs were barking like that...they were talking about the land of milk and honey in the bible..." Well what does that have to do with my dog licking my bible?!?! "Well," he said, "Your dog was confused with them...they were talking about the land of milk and honey which is TALKED about in the bible...your dog must have thought it was really IN the bible.That is why she started to lick it..i recomend that you start to feed her more. :-)"

A man walks into a bar...*clunk!* OW!!

OK, OK, a real joke, then...

There were two Scotsmen, Angus and Hamish, who were friends and lived on opposite ends of their village. Angus was sweeping the dooryard in front of his cottage one day when he saw Hamish going down the road with his hands cupped.
"Och, Hamish!" called Angus. "What do ye have there, laddie, and where ye be goin' on this fine day?"
"I've got a honeybee," Hamish replied, "and I'm goin' t'make honey from the honeybee."
"Hamish, ye silly amadaun," laughed Angus. "Ye don't get honey from the honeybee but from the honeybee's home, which is called a hive!"
"Aye, an' ye can say that all ye want, Angus, but I'm goin' anyway." Hamish continued on, and Angus simply shrugged--he had always assumed Hamish was a wee bit daft. But an hour later, back comes Hamish carrying a gallon jar of honey. Angus scratched his head in wonderment.
A bit later that morning, Hamish came wandering past again, hands cupped together. Angus called out, "Och, laddie, where ye be off to now and what have ye got there?"
"I've got a butterfly, so I do, an' I'm off t'make butter."
Angus snorted; now he really thought Hamish was daft. "Ye're soft in the head, lad, sure...ye don't get butter from the butterfly, ye have t'make it from the milk of the cow!"
"Aye, say what ye will, Angus, but I'm goin' t'make some butter, I am." Off he went, leaving Angus laughing at him. But an hour later, Hamish comes back pushing a wheelbarrow with a tub full of butter within. Angus scratched his head again and wondered if Hamish was just daft or outright mad.
A couple of hours later, Hamish came wandering past again, this time with the stalk of a plant in his hand.
"Och, Hamish, where ye be off to now?" called Angus. "And what's that in yer hand?"
"I've got the pussy willow..." Hamish began.
Angus jumped up and walked over to Hamish and clapped him on the back. "Och, say nay more, laddie, I'm with ye this time!"

Sheesh....and then there's still the Tir classical favourties:

3 legged dog walks into a bar and says... "I'm looking for the man that shot my paw..."

Texan Tip of the Day:


"Never squat with your spurs on"

to tats request before she leaves the nest..i will do a "if women ruled the world"
If Women really ruled the world...
Men would shower you with gifts of diamonds and chocolates everyday...

They would tell you everything you want to hear.

Instead of going to the game..they would stay home and tell you how much they love you and give you a foot rub *ahh*
If you told them to get a life..the would do as they were told.

There would be no excuse for tardiness but "sorry! i stopped to get you some flowers..they are all wonderful..but not as much as you" :-)

The men WOULD consider it fun to stay home and watch a chick flick with you...
They would consider it an HONOR to stay home and comfort you after you just watched "An Afair To Remeber" and discuse what was going on instead of going to the bar.

They would not be shy to answer the door and tell his friend he can't go with them to the game because he is going to watch "Sleepless In Seatle" with you while discusing the the meaning of life

Valentines Day would still be once a year..but to him he would say "There arn't enough diamonds to show you how much I love you..but I'll try and buy them all anyway..."
wait..no..he wouldn't try..we would do it...
ooooooohhhhh...yeah would that be great!!!!!

to shorten this up..the world would be better

sister mary was just reading a letter from her sister and admiring the brand new ten dollar note and wondering what little pleasure she would indulge in when she happened to look out the window and spy an elderly man leaning against the convent wall. He looked to be downhearted and world weary, so Sister Mary wraps her $10 in a note and drops it out the window at his feet.
The old man picks up the note,reads it, shrugs and ambles off. Sister thought no more about it until the next day there was a knock at the door. She opens it and the elderly man hands her $100. Stunned she asks why he is giving her the money. He looks at her and says, " Dont despair came in 10/1" *s*

is it running at Ascot this weekend, sorcha??? *L*

Here's one to annoy the Tir Texans... >:)
Two Aggies (Note: To those not familiar with the term, "Aggies" are Texas A&M students/alumni) are always having trouble finding their car after football games. They constantly lose it in the parking lot, and wind up being the last people to leave because it's always the last one left.
So they decide they've got to have a new plan: some form of transportation that is more easily recognized. After considering and rejecting several ideas, they decide to buy a camel on which to ride to the A&M football games.
So one Saturday, they arrive at the stadium amidst tailgating fans; there is much laughter directed at them. And after the game, they come out to the parking lot, and immediately they spot the camel. But one of the Aggies is not so sure about the camel.
"Are you sure that's our camel?" he asks his friend.
"Sure, gotta be," drawls the other.
"Naw, I wonder..." And he walks up to the camel, lifts its tail and looks at something. Then he shakes his head. "Naw, this ain't our camel."
"How do you know that?" asks the friend, bewildered.
"Well, didn't ya hear them folks earlier sayin' 'Look at them two assholes on that camel!'?"

(ba-DUM-siss)

.... uh huhhh

More animal jokes.....

What day do chickens hate the most?


Fryday

OK, if we're going to do chicken jokes..
Why did the punk cross the road? He was stapled to the chicken!

Or we could really descend into tastelessness:
(or we couldn't --- Acc.)

lol....hmm...lets see here....how can tulips talk???
they have TWO LIPS!!! get it? tulips-two lips?
aw..forget it...

How many Hollywood talent agents does it take to change a light bulb? Hey, listen, babe, don't worry about it, we'll talk, we'll do lunch, I'll have my people talk to your people...

A piece of string walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve string here." The string goes back outside for a bit and twists himself up, then goes back into the bar and tries again to order a drink. This time he succeeds, but the bartender looks doubtfully at the string as he hands him his drink.
"Say, aren't you the string I just sent out of here a few minutes ago?" the bartender asks.
"No," the string replies, "I'm a frayed knot."

A Scoutmaster and his wife were traveling in the country one fine day, when a flock of sheep crossing the road blocked their progress....The Scoutmaster pressed on his horn to alert the sheep, but no sound came out! He climbed out of the car and had a look under the hood (bonnet), reconnected a few wires, and climbed back into the car again. His wife looking at him questioningly said, "Were you able to fix it, dear?" His reply...
"Beep repaired"!

Not really a joke, but witty...

''It is by the grace of God that we have in this country those three unspeakably precious things:
freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to exercise either of them.''

-Mark Twain

Legend has it that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all of the league records were destroyed in a fire. So we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

Al Capone had a new pair of shoes of which he was very proud. One night, he took them and laid them by an open window and while he slept, one of the neighborhood cats got in and tore them up. The next morning, Capone awoke to this sight and, enraged, sent his men out to find the offending feline and kill it. Hours later, one of his men returned holding a dead cat and said: "Pardon me, Al...is this the cat that chewed your new shoes?"

A dog walks into a bar-sees a singal, young, pretty girl dog- and says "woof!" lol
pretty funny huh? *looks around at the faces staring at her*
aw! forget it..lol

Did you guys hear about the dumb burglar?


He broke a window going in, and broke another one going out! *L*


*ducks incoming tomatoes and mackerel*

Horse walks into a bar. Bartender polishing glasses behind the bar eyes him shrewdly, says 'Hey buddy, why the long face?'

Stole that from the far side..just love 'em...

An Irishman walks out of the Pub.


*it could happen*

Well this message board needs resurrecting - enjoy *S*

An elderly couple, Dave and Bessie, are vacationing in the West.
Dave always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly.
He walks into their room and says to the wife,
"Notice anything different about me?"
Bessie looks him over, "Nope."
Dave says excitedly, "Come on Bessie, take a good look. Notice
anything different about me?"
Bessie looks again, "Nope."

Frustrated Dave storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room, wearing only his boots, saying a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT NOW?"
Bessie looks up and says, "Dave, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday,it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, Dave yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, BESSIE? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!"

To which Bessie replies,
"Shoulda bought a hat, Dave. You shoulda bought a hat."

Paul returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife,
Alma, that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.
Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him.
Of course she agreed.

Six hours later, Paul went to her again and said,
"Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?"
Alma agrees and again they make love.

Later, Paul is getting into bed when he realised he now had only 8 hours of life left. He touched Alma's shoulder and said,
"Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die."
She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.

Paul, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours.
He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up.
"Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?"

His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said,
"Listen Paul, I have to get up in the morning. YOU DON'T!!"

POSSIBLY THE BEST CHICKEN JOKE EVER:

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.

The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face.

The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says,

"Well, I guess we finally answered THAT."

An elderly man was at home, dying in bed. He smelled
the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies baking.
He wanted one last cookie before he died.

He fell out of bed, crawled to the landing, rolled down
the stairs, and crawled into the kitchen where his wife
was busily baking cookies. With waning strength he
crawled to the table and was just barely able to lift
his withered arm to the cookie sheet.

As he grasped a warm, moist, chocolate chip cookie, his
favorite kind, his wife suddenly whacked his hand with
a spatula.

"Why?" he whispered. "Why did you do that?"

"They're for the funeral."

Subject: It's all true !!!

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist.

If you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy.

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.

If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation.

If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your ass and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favouritism.

If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.

If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you're a wimp.

If you don't, you're an insensitive bastard.

If you thump her, it's wife bashing.

If she thumps you, it's self-defence.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.

If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.

If she asks you, it's a favour.

If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you're a pervert.

If you don't, you're gay.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're sexist.

If you don't, you're unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.

If you don't, you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you're after something.

If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements, you're full of yourself.

If you don't, you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she's tired.

If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.

If you want sex too often, you're oversexed.

If you don't, there must be someone else.

NO WONDER MEN DIE BEFORE WOMEN! THEY WANT TO!!

*

LMAO....Good one!

Continuing in the same vein................


1. Marriage is not a word. It’s a sentence (a life sentence).
2. Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore marriage is an institution for the blind.
3. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor’s Degree and the woman gets her masters.
4. Married life is full of excitement and frustration: In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the NEIGHBOR listens.
5. Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that instead.
6. There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.
7. A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.
8. Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad? Father: I don’t know son, I’m still paying for it.
9. Son: Is it true Dad? I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her. Father: That’s true everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE!
10. Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
11. They say that when a man holds a woman’s hand before marriage,it is love; after marriage it is self-defense.
12. When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a 10 year married man looks happy, we wonder why.
13. Confucius says: man who sinks into a woman’s arm soon have arms in woman’s sink.
14. When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
15. Eighty percent of married men cheat in America, the rest cheat in Europe.
16. After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin. They can’t face each other, but still they stay together.
17. Marriage is when a man and a woman become one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
18. Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After the marriage the “Y” becomes silent.
19. “I married Miss right, I just didn’t know her first name was Always.”
20. It’s not true that married men live longer than single men, it only seems longer.
21. Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
22. A man was complaining to a friend: “I HAD IT ALL, MONEY, A BEAUTIFUL HOUSE, THE LOVE OF A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN, THEN POW! IT WAS ALL GONE.” “WHAT HAPPENED?” asked his friend. He says “MY WIFE FOUND OUT.”
23. WIFE: Let’s go out and have some fun tonight. HUSBAND: OK, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway lights on.
24. At a cocktail party, one woman said to another: “AREN’T YOU WEARING YOUR RING ON THE WRONG FINGER?” The other replied, “YES, I AM. I MARRIED THE WRONG MAN.”
25. Man is incomplete until he gets married, then he is finished.
26. It doesn’t matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.
27. A man inserted an ad in the paper - WIFE WANTED. The next day he received a hundred letters and they all said the same thing - YOU CAN HAVE MINE.
28. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing - either the car is new or the wife is.
29. They say women in the U.S. have a longer life expectancy than men...I think we just choose to die sooner!

Woman's Instruction Booklet

1. Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the house was spotless.

2. Remember that you are known by the idiot you accompany.

3. Don't imagine you can change a man -- unless he's in diapers.

4. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You lock the door behind him.

5. So many men -- so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.

6. If they can put a man on the moon, they should be able to put them all there.

7. Tell him you're not his type -- you have a pulse.

8. Never let your man's mind wander. It's too little to be let out alone.

9. The only reason men are on this planet is that vibrators can't dance or buy drinks.

10. Never sleep with a man who has named his penis.

11. You might as well go for younger men. They never mature, anyway.

12. A man who can dress himself without looking like Forrest Gump is unquestionably gay.

13. Men are all the same. They just have different faces so you can tell them apart.

14. Definition of a bachelor: a man who missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

15. Women don't make fools of men. Most of them are the do-it-yourself type.

16. The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest that they're too old for it.

17. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

18. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

19. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years, proving that even in biblical times men wouldn't ask for directions.

20. If he asks what sort of books you like, tell him checkbooks.

21. A man's idea of serious commitment is usually, "Oh, alright, I'll stay the night."

22. Women sleep with men who, if they were women, they wouldn't even bother to have lunch with.

23. Remember, a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his.

24. If he asks you if you're faking it, tell him no, you're just practicing.

25. Sadly, all men are created equal.

26. When he asks you if he's your first, tell him, "You may be. You look familiar."

Men's Performance

With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole line of drugs oriented toward improving the performance of men in today's society:

DIRECTRA - A dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost, compared to a control group of 0.2 percent.

PROJECTRA - Men given this experimental drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.

CHILDAGRA - Men taking this drug reported a sudden, overwhelming urge to perform more childcare tasks especially cleaning up spills and "little accidents."

COMPLIMENTRA - In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested to see if effects extend to noticing new clothing.

BUYAGRA - Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after taking this drug for only two days. Still to be seen: whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorite store's return limit.

NEGA-VIAGRA - Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently undergoing clinical trials on sitting U.S. presidents.

NEGA-SPORTAGRA - This drug causes men to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.

FLATULAGRA - This complex drug converts men's noxious intestinal gases back into food solids. Special bonus: Dosage can be doubled for long car rides.

FLYAGRA - This drug has been showing great promise in treating men with O.F.D. (Open Fly Disorder). Expecially useful for men on Viagra.

PRYAGRA - About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other people. Note: Apparent overdose turned three test subjects into "special prosecutors."

LIAGRA - This drug causes men to be less than truthful when being asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available Regular, Grand Jury and Presidential Strength versions.