Ma and Pa are sitting on the front porch swing, rocking.

Pa says to Ma, "Screw you Ma."

A minute goes by, and Ma says to Pa,"Screw you Pa."

Again, a minute goes by, and Pa says to Ma, "Screw you Ma."

Another minute goes by, and Ma says to Pa, "Screw you Pa."

Yet another minute goes by, and Pa says to Ma, "Screw you Ma."

A minute later, Ma says to Pa, "Screw you Pa."

A couple of minutes go by, and Pa says to Ma, "I don't know about
you Ma, but I just don't get too much out of this oral sex stuff!"

>

A young couple,just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night.As they undressed for bed, the husband, who was a big burly man, tossed his pants to his bride and said, "Here put these on."
She put them on, and the waist was twice the size of her body.
"I can't wear your pants," she said.
That's right!!" , said the husband, "and don't you forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family!"
With that she flipped him her panties and said, "try these on."
He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecap.
He said, "hell, I can't get into your panties!"
She said, "that's right, and that's the way it's going to be until your goddamn attitude changes!"

FOR MAXPI...


Three legged dog walks into a bar... says to the bartender...

"I'm lookin for the man that shot my paw."

Tim Kelly was walking through a dim passageway when someone spoke to him. "Good evenin', Kelly," said the muffled figure. "Don't ye be knowin' your old friend Grogan any more?" Kelly stared at Grogan, whose face was a patchwork of bandages and adhesive plaster.
One arm was in a sling and he was leaning on a crutch.
"Saints!" cried Kelly. "Was ye hit by a train, Grogan, or did ye merely jump from the trestle?" "It could've been both," said Grogan, "considerin' the feel of it. But the truth is, I was in bed with Murphy's wife when Murphy himself comes in with a murtherin' big shillelagh in his hand, and the inconsiderate creature beat the livin' bejazus outa me." "He did indade," said Kelly. "But couldn't ye defend y'rself, Grogan? Hadn't ye nothin' in your own hand?" "Only Mrs. Murphy's behind," said Grogan. "It's a beautiful thing in itself, but not worth a dom in a fight."

Two Irishmen were walking home after a night on the beer when a severed head rolled along the ground.
Mick picked it up to his face and said to Paddy "Jez, that look like Sean" to which Paddy replied "No Sean was taller than that"

It was Paddy and Seamus giving the motorcycle a ride on a brisk autumn day. After a wee bit, Paddy who was sitt'n behind Seamus on the bike began to holler ..."Seamus ... Seamus ... the wind is cutt'n me chest out!" "Well, Paddy my lad," said Seamus, "why don't you take your jacket off and turn it from front to back ... that'll block the wind for you." So Paddy took Seamus' advice and turned his jacket from front to back and got back on the bike and the two of them were off down the road again. After a bit, Seamus turned to talk to Paddy and was horrified to see that Paddy was not there. Seamus immediately turned the bike around and retraced their route. When after a short time he came to a turn and saw a bunch of farmers standing around Paddy who was sitting on the ground. "T'anks be to heaven, is he alright?" Seamus hailed to the farmers.
"Well," said one of the farmers, " he was alright when we found him here .. but since we turned his head back to front, he hasn't said a word since!"

Two Irishmen met and one said to the other, "Have ye seen Mulligan lately,Pat?"
Pat said, "Well, I have and I haven't."
His friend asked, "Shure, and what d'ye mean by that?"
Pat said, "It's like this, y'see...I saw a chap who I thought was Mulligan, and he saw a chap that he thought was me. And when we got up to one another...it was neither of us."

WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER
(The actual AP headline)
Linda Burnett,23 was visiting her inlaws, and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.
Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.
One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes werenow open, and she
looked very strange.
He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.
The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head.When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat,making a loud noise that sounded like a shot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head.
When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out,but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until
someone noticed and came to her aid.
And, yes, Linda is a blonde.

POLICE MILK

WELLINGTON, NEW ZEALAND— Hutt Valley police have been directed not to use police-supplied milk on their breakfast cereal, the Police Association says.


Police association Wellington regional director Gary Orr said a station order had been circulate to supervisors who briefed staff at Lower Hutt police that police milk was not to be used for "unauthorised purposes" such as cereal at breakfast, in an effort to cut back on the amount of milk used.

Officers were allowed to use police milk in their tea and coffee but not on their cornflakes, he said.

Mr Orr said staff had reacted with "disbelief".

Staff at first thought the directive was an April Fool-type joke, he said.

The department allocated $66.21 a year for tea, coffee, milk, and sugar for morning and afternoon teas, lunch and dinner, for each officer at Lower Hutt, he said.

Some officers did not drink tea or coffee and would prefer to use their milk on their cereal. "We know things are tight — they are with all government departments but when you start focusing on things like that it doesn't do well for the credibility of the police management."

Wellington district commander Superintendent Gerry Cunneen said he did not believe such a directive had gone out.

We wouldn't send a memo like that . . . that is ridiculous."

Superintendent Cunneen said the Hutt had no budget problem.

Hutt Area commander Inspector Paul Nicholls said he was not aware of the directive about milk usage, but he would look into it.

Mr Orr said he understood the milk issue had surfaced while Inspector Nicholls was on leave this year, so he might be unaware of it.

Inspector Nicholls declined to say when he was on leave or who his replacement was. -- NZPA

Wildlife Park Lion Escapes Using Burglar's Ladder

Nov. 10, 1998 -- A burglar who mistakenly tried to sneak into a lion pen in southwestern China helped one of the big cats escape by leaving his ladder behind, China's Liberation Daily reported Monday.

Keepers at the Guilin City Xiongshen Bear and Tiger Mountain Villa, an open-air wildlife park, were shocked to see a male lion climb over the main wall at dawn. They feared the worst as the animal headed directly into inhabited farmland.

Police managed to surround the animal in an orchard and tranquilize it with a dart gun before it came across any local residents. A subsequent investigation revealed that a burglar hoping to rob the park attempted to sneak in through the lions' compound the previous night. Realizing his
mistake, the burglar fled and left his ladder behind.

Indian TV Catnap

Nov. 6, 1998 -- A family in suburban New Delhi was startled to discover that
a wild leopard had sneaked into their house, climbed onto a bed and watched television before dozing off.

The Asian Age reported that the mother thought her 4-year-old son was referring to a TV wildlife documentary when he came rushing into the kitchen, saying that there was a "tiger" in the room.

But her amusement quickly turned to alarm when she peeked into the bedroom and saw the big cat sprawled out on her bed. After grabbing her son and fleeing, she called forest department oficials, who came and tranquilized the leopard and took it to a zoo. The newspaper said that it was unclear whether the animal had escaped from the zoo or roamed out of the forest near Chandigarh.