I pull up to the curb, the bomb components clanking in the back. I breath a sigh of relief.
I have gotten here without exploding. Well, that is one obstacle gone by.
I look at my watch.
I have ten minutes to go.
I smile at a woman taking her child into a building across the street.
Too bad they had to show today, probably going to the dentist on the seventh floor. Bad day all around for that kid. But my cause is just, I will make the message known... this time it will not be ignored and it will stain this place in blood.
I see people rushing about, I watch a woman cross the street, she is pregnant.
Now why does that seem familiar? Is she from the compound? Is she going to give me away? Nonsense, I am just getting jittery that's all. Maybe she will survive, maybe the child will live.
I see the wash women in the compound, unable to do anything but wash the linen, all in various stages of pregnancy. A small child dances around their basins. Bruises vivid on it's arms, it is laughing at something the woman are saying. I shake myself.
What does it matter? I will be heralded as a hero for delivering the message so. I will be sitting awaiting my Lord in heaven, and then I will be reborn in glory.
I smile again, this time in pleasure. I look at my watch, five minutes to go.
Why does this seem to be taking so long? I feel so odd just sitting here. Do they suspect? That woman over there? Is she talking to the police or family on that phone. Is that couple running because they know?
I lock the truck door. I look up at the building that houses the accursed people. Looking down at me is a woman.
A strange look, as if she isn't really there, as if she has left her body here and her soul has gone on before. As if it knew what would come. She is just standing there. She gives me the creeps. If this were any other time I would just leave, drive away from that look. So familiar that look is, where have I seen it before?
I see a small thin face beaten and bruised, enduring the punishment dealt out to an unbeliever living in the compound. Her dirty blond hair, and her thin emaciated body wavering with each blow.
Cassia? It can't be.. She died years ago. She was my test of dedication, my loyalty test.
I see her bleeding body, and the praise I had received for stopping her traitorous escape attempt.
I tasted the cake of victory that day.
I laugh and check my watch, trying to ignore the woman. I start to fidget.
Three minutes to go. Dear Lord this is taking so long. That woman, no I won't think of her, she is nothing. One look at her eyes shows how God has left her. No this is what has been commanded. The warning will be sent, tribute demanded, the message smeared across the lovely evil of this place, in blood. And I will be heralded a messenger of God. I will be given a place on the palisades of heaven. I will be lifted up, I am the one.
I touch my amulet, and glance at the book laying by my side.
The Leader could be wrong. No, God is with us, so we will not can not be wrong in this.
I look at my watch. 30 seconds.
Well, that two minutes went fast, mustn't drift now. It will be over soon, over... What a strange feeling, like a pressure on my chest...
I see a sparrow land on the hood of the truck, It looks right at me....
No..NO!! Fly away bird you can.... Fly!!! oh God.

FORGIVE ME!!!

*~~~~*read if you like or not.. just a small continuance from the above.*~~~~*

I stand in a dark place.

Which way is down? Have I been taken to the place of waiting?

I see the sparrow take flight just as the time reaches Zero.

Did it live? did it get out of the way before the blast?

I turn around several times.

Darkness... just darkness. Am I dead? is this heaven? My heart, it's stopped! Am I breathing?

I see a flash of light, flying towards me.

There's a light. Is that God? It's going to fast, it won't be able to stop!

I await a jarring impact...

I have no fear of this, why?

I look up, the light is sitting just out of reach, it sits there for a while.

Maybe it is God. Then what is it waiting for? I stand prepared for upliftment..

light flows all around me. Except for a pillar of darkness that surrounds me.

"Have you come to judge me?" maybe I shouldn't have asked. Questions always bring trouble.

Pictures appear around me,

What is this?

I feel my mother's pain of birthing. And yet I can not seem to cry out. I hover, taking the pain. Groaning. From that instant I am flooded with pain, happiness, despair. All the feelings and facilities of those that lived around me. Pain I did not know that I had caused. Joy that I was never allowed to cause. Then the bad things started. The death of my sister, the sacrilege of the Leader, and my own thoughts. The new born pleasure of causing pain, a gift from the Leader. The buildings, the friends lost. The awful realization that I had been disowned by the Leader. Though he had asked it of me. Then the deaths, the pains of survivors. Of relatives left behind. Every pain in their lives and every event that followed the bombing. The copy cats and those that thought I was the beginning. The ripples that emanated from each event. The pains that each soul went though. The falling of each soul into disbelief and hypocrisy. All because of me.

No.. No...no...

I whisper to myself, I look up and see a being of great beauty and pure light.

"For your crimes you have been judged. Here is your verdict. You shall be banished for an undetermined amount of mortal life spans. You shall, at the end of each life, witness God and heaven, yet never quite touch the afterlife. Thus it shall continue till you have repaid your debt to those you have harmed. Let it be known now, the reason that you're not being sent to your hell is that you were misled from birth, and given no options to change. Use your time well, for if you do not. This will be your reward."

I watch as the being points to a spot just about five feet in front of me. There appears a dark hole, and out of it pours all my fears, all my secret terrors, and then the dead silence of complete wakeful oblivion. From where I would retain just enough sanity that I would know there was nothing left of me but this awareness. And I know it would start over and over again.... I scream.

Darkness sweet darkness.

My heart aches for my innocent delusions.

HE LIED TO ME!!

All that was waiting was hell not heaven.

I calm, I understand that he too will be judged.I find myself flying down a small tunnel, all my knowledge seems to be being squeezed to the back of my brain. I know nothing more but warmth, and love. I hear voices and music, laughter... then the terrible sound of screaming and a great pressure. I know that this is my punishment and that I will not remember it when I am born. I will be born while my mother is trapped in the rubble of the explosion I caused. I know she will die. I feel her body starting to grow cold.

No... Oh God! I caused my own mother's death!

Really some deep things here to ponder...

This is not your usual prose, LR. *S* Is there more to the story? *Thinking but mostly feeling* ...Like something right out of today's news.

Like... Yuck!

how odd...depressing. not sure that i understand it...

On one level, childbirth is , like, yuckky.

So to say "Childbirth - Yuck" is just a tad too broad a statement.

Some management guru brainwashed me years ago.
The particular constructive brain-storming technique that stuck was:
a.) Find three positive things to say about a proposal or situation.
b.) Then, and only then, voice a concern (which has to be put in a constructive way).
It's easy to pick holes in anything. It can be more difficult to find positive things. Ease comes with practice.

>Is too. Isn't. Is too. Isn't. Is too. Isn't. Is too. Isn't. Is too. Isn't. Is too. Isn't. Is too. Isn't. Is too. Isn't. Is too.