Japhet

Chairman of the Parthelonian Liberation Front (PLF)

The Parthelonian Struggle for Rights

The Parthelonians are the true aboriginal natives of the island currently known as Ireland. The mission of the PLF is to restore control of the island and its pubs to the Parthelonian people.

We came to Ireland from the West shortly after the Flood.
The place was vacant. We moved in and set up the vital infrastructures - the breweries, the pubs, the guesting houses, etc.

Other claimants

Claims to title by others do not stand up. Here follows a short history of Ireland.

Fintan

All that remained of the pre-Flood inhabitants was a guy named Fintan. He survived the Flood by taking on the form of a salmon. He also had a habit of changing himself into an eagle or hawk.
None of our girls fancied doing it with him. They are not xenophobic, but let's face it, would you fancy someone who doesn't know if he's fish, flesh or fowl, and who's inclined to shape-shift when excited?
He died without fathering anything human. He was about 500 years old when he died - the boredom must have got to him. With him died any claim prior to ours.

The Fomhóire

These were around before our time and some of them still survive today. However, their claim fails on two counts

1. They are not human. They are a group of ugly violent demons. Even in Australia, where the Aboriginals are beginning to receive fairer treatment, there is no mention of granting any legal recognition to spirits (even well-behaved ones).
2. They never took up residence. Their 'normal place of domicile' as defined by the Revenue Commissioners is a fort on the island of Rockall. They only visited us in order to make trouble. We had to fix their drinks to keep them quiet.

Other Claims

The people of Nemhedh, the Fir Bholg, the Gailoin, the Fir Dhomhann

This lot moved in fairly peacefully. They paid for their rounds. They didn't make a mess (apart from the Fir Bholg who wore filthy aprons and left a trail of earth on the floor).

They were a sneaky lot however. It was the FB who , in an effort to cut us out of the picture, started this slander about the Parthelonians being wiped out by a plague. They had a lot of problems with the Fomhóire. It's no coincidence that the problems really began after we bartenders discovered what the FB were up to.

The Tuatha Dé Danann

Things turned nasty when the Tuatha Dé Danann arrived. More than a few pubs got wrecked as they battled it out with the FB for supremacy. In the end, after a major battle in a pub called the Magh Tuireadh, the Tuatha triumphed. The FB had to learn a new language and work on the Tuatha Dé's building sites.

The Tuatha made life difficult for us publicans. Quite apart from the damage done to the pubs by the fighting, they introduced taxes, price-controls and so on. Needless to say, they had severe problems with the Fomhóire.

Setting the Fomhóire on those who annoyed us was always a risky business. Things got out of hand. The Tuatha finally got the upper hand and banished the Fomhóire back to Rockall. Strange to relate, the final battle was fought in the same pub (the Magh Tuireadh) as was the final battle with the FB. The place was absolutely wrecked - and it had only just been refurbished after the FB bust-up. The publican moved to Saudi soon afterwards.

The Celts

The arrival of the Celts put an end to the rule of the Tuatha. There was a bloody encounter in the chariot field of the Tailtiu Inn during which the Celts introduced the Tuatha to iron weapons.

The Tuatha Dé Danann were driven (literally) underground and into a parallel universe. They became the faery folk.

The Normans, English, Planters etc.

These were simply new waves of Celts. They are an insignificant blip in a timeline that stretches back beyond 4000 BC.

The North

Any plan to restore Parthelonian rule has to take account of the situation in the north of the country. Many analysts attribute the problems to religious and/or racial backgrounds. We Parthelonians know the real cause.

Any examination of the history of Ireland will show that from the beginnings of time the People of the North have been of a violent and aggressive nature. This has been true no matter what race or creed they were.
The problem is due to poisons in the water supply entering the beer chain. Parthelonians have avoided the North ever since we arrived. Our leader, Parthelon, tasted the waters of all rivers and lakes before we sited and built our breweries. Many place names in Ireland originate from his analysis of the water. The analysis of northern waters was universally negative.
Lough Neagh (Nyeaagh!), Lough and River Foyle (Foul!), Lough and River Swilley (Swill!), Bann (Banned!)

The problems in the North can be resolved within a single generation by closing down their breweries and shipping all beer up from the south.
If the Northerners won't accept that, then the only sensible thing to do is build a Great Wall of BeerKegs around them and leave them to their own devices (and dodgy beer).

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